Christmas. The one day of the year you get out of bed voluntarily at 6 AM. That strange time of year when everybody gets excited about the prospect of being cold and spending time with people they don’t care about for the other 364 days of the year.
Actually, it’s not THAT bad. You do get an excuse to eat your body weight in food, drink Bucks Fizz at 8 in the morning and sit around in pyjamas all day. Not to forget wrapping pork in another form of pork to create the holy grail of culinary delights that is pigs in blankets.
The catch? You also agreed with your better half to spend the next 24 to 48 hours (or longer if you’re really unlucky), with an assortment of people who will quite literally sap the life from your soul. We all know who they are.
The Rogue Traders
Bringing crap wine and then drinking your expensive stuff. "I'm not that into wine that's why I just get what's on offer" they say. Well in that case put the Merlot down and stick to your fruit juice.
The Space Invaders
Creeping their way into the last remaining safe haven that is the living room. Its fine, I didn’t want to relax and stuff my face with Quality Street while playing video games like I DO EVERY SATURDAY MORNING anyway.
The Polite Complainers
“Isn’t this the old knackered bed you put in the spare room when you bought yourself a new one?” Congratulations, you got it in one. With any luck it’ll be that bad you won’t feel the need to invite yourselves around again anytime soon.
The Voiceover Artists
Talking over Doctor Who EVERY BLOODY CHRISTMAS is not an ok thing to do. "This is rubbish", "I don't get it", “so unrealistic”. You know what? Just leave.
You can always count on the in-laws to bring their own pillows. How silly of us to assume that our peasant pillows would provide adequate support for your ego inflated heads. This wouldn’t be half as irritating if the quality of the wine reflected that of their pillows!
Just like a bad smell, they never want to leave. The obvious social signals have had little to no affect. But there is an ace card you can play. Take control and put ‘Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman’ on the TV. A movie so terrible you’ll want to move out of your own home.
If you read this and thought at any point that this could apply to you, it might be an idea to find out how you can change your ways and become the perfect guest this Christmas instead.